Time marches us down the dark corridor to our demise. Along the way to our death sentence, an insane prison brute named "Christmas Time" beats the ever-loving-heck out of us every time we pass him with a giant candy cane made out of pure anxiety. Of course, he's giggling while he does it and saying "Tis the season!" the entire time.
Tis the season? Never has a term that was intended to inspire joy and holiday cheer had such a reverse affect! Just the idea of shopping and spending too much money while I'm drunk on eggnog gives me a phantom hangover of regret. It doesn't matter that I do it every year. I'm not about to start learning from my mistakes now. I've made it through this alive and without any major scars so far, so why try to be smart now?
Well, maybe I've picked up one or two things over the course of my seasonal torture sessions. Firstly, you should get a good support system around you for your inevitable drunken episode and subsequent trip to rehab. Secondly, stay away from your family until you absolutely can't avoid it. Thirdly, and most importantly, don't go anywhere near a shopping mall. Shopping malls are dinosaurs. We have the Internet now and we should probably learn how to use it.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
Tis the season? Never has a term that was intended to inspire joy and holiday cheer had such a reverse affect! Just the idea of shopping and spending too much money while I'm drunk on eggnog gives me a phantom hangover of regret. It doesn't matter that I do it every year. I'm not about to start learning from my mistakes now. I've made it through this alive and without any major scars so far, so why try to be smart now?
Well, maybe I've picked up one or two things over the course of my seasonal torture sessions. Firstly, you should get a good support system around you for your inevitable drunken episode and subsequent trip to rehab. Secondly, stay away from your family until you absolutely can't avoid it. Thirdly, and most importantly, don't go anywhere near a shopping mall. Shopping malls are dinosaurs. We have the Internet now and we should probably learn how to use it.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
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For more information about a classy Christmas apparel check out Matt's pick for the best Christmas family clothing on the web.
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